Dave and I are off to Normandy this weekend, which we're both quite excited about. It seems like forever since we had a weekend away, but that's because our last few holidays have actually been in-country.
I have been to France exactly 3 times in my life. And I have hated my visits to France exactly 3 times in my life. I can't stand the place. It's a public toilet. And before your eyes roll out of the back of your head and your jaw drops to the floor, let me expand on that. I have hated my 3 visits to France because they were to Lille and Paris. Understand now?
Lille is possibly the most boring city I have ever been to. I fell asleep on the tour bus that takes you around the city to... erm... point out the interesting stuff! Paris? Hate it. Public toilet smell throughout the city (both times, so it can't have been a coincidence) and the rudest people in the world - especially those who hold positions which would ordinarily be described in some way, shape or form, as 'customer facing'. After spending a girls' weekend there for a friend's birthday - which, to give it its due and purely because of the company, did have some good moments to it - I vowed never to return.
However, France is one of Dave's favourite countries and one in which, if you closed your eyes and listened to him speak, he turns into a veritable local! Dave's love of languages amazes me. The fact that he can sit in bed at night and learn a whole language just from reading a book, is incomprehensible to me. That may be because I have about as much affinity for languages as an anteater has for skydiving, but still, it amazes me. This extremely impressive talent - about which he is incredibly humble - does have its uses for a deficient linguist such as myself. I just have to say 'ask him' this or 'ask her' that and voila! We have our answer... in the native language. Easy peasy. I knew I married him for a reason!
And so Dave has finally convinced me to give France another go. He - and everybody else who has given me the same advice - assures me that anywhere South of Paris is great. They're apparently friendly, they have good food, relatively good wine (speaking from a South African's point of view, even though I don't drink the stuff) and beautiful scenery. We are staying at a gorgeous old farmhouse, so I have high hopes that this trip will sway my thoughts on France slightly. All shall be revealed in my first full travel blog entry next week.
Et jusque-là ... au revoir!
Thursday, 11 October 2012
Monday, 8 October 2012
The travel blog that never was
When I first came to the UK in March 2000, as a completely naive 20-year old, I had big travel plans for my 2 years in Europe. That didn't pan out so well and I only managed to get to Paris (yuck!), New York, Cyprus and Egypt before going home again nearly 3 years later.
I never really thought about what held me back from doing all the travelling that I wanted to do during that time. I know for sure that I felt slightly held back by people in my life who, though no fault of their own, didn't necessarily want to see the world as much as I did, but further than that, I'm not sure what happened to my usual, steadfast 'stay if you want to, but I'm going' nature. The difference for me was that I was on a visa and my time was limited - which is what, in later years, made me so resentful of the fact that I hadn't felt able to do what I wanted to do at the time. And so I returned back to SA, fully prepared for my new life in Cape Town, but also a little annoyed that I had never got to Switzerland! It was one place I had always wanted to go.
When I arrived back in the UK in March 2005, I had learnt to do things for me and didn't intend to waste any time at all. I had no travel buddy, but that didn't stop me. And so I found myself in Krakow, Poland - completely on my own, not knowing a word of Polish and not having a clue how to even ask the cabbie to take me into town! Nor, indeed, how to ask anyone once I was in town how to get a cab back to my B&B! I remember wandering around at about 10pm in a busy Krakow town square, desperately trying to find a taxi rank. I eventually went into a bookshop and stood helplessly, watching everybody in the queue happily buying their books and shouted out 'does anyone speak any English?' I still can't believe I did that and I laugh at myself every time I think about it, but it was the only thing I knew to do in that moment. Getting the cabbie to understand where my B&B was is another story completely! The following day, I was off to Auschwitz, but having learnt my lesson, I asked the receptionist at the B&B to order my cab for me and let the driver know that I wanted to go to the bus station. I remember getting into the bus station and then thinking 'here we go again! How on earth am I going to find the bus that goes to Oświęcim?' I wandered around like a lost soul for a while, not understanding a word on any of the information boards and suddenly - like in one of those cartoons where you hear harps playing and angels singing - I heard someone speaking English!! And not only that, they were asking which bus to catch to get to the same place I was headed! I could have kissed them right there and then. (I didn't though). As it happened, they were a group of backpackers who had come to Krakow separately, but met at the hostel they were staying at and all decided to take this day trip together and they were only too happy to allow one more into their fold. I've never done anything like that in my life before or since, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I had spent my first 2 1/2 year stint in the UK not travelling anywhere and I was absolutely determined not to let the fact that I didn't have anyone to travel with get me down or stop me going to where I wanted to go. After Poland, I went to Italy, where I stayed with a family friend in Venice. A friendly face! I was so ill with flu at the time, I could barely function properly, but I soldiered on and took in my first taste of Italy - an experience which I recently had the priviledge of doing all over again with Dave on our 2nd wedding anniversary. After Venice, it was off to Aberdeen in Scotland and then, eventually, off to Dublin where I was to settle for the next 6 months to live and work.
After my stint in Ireland - one of the best experiences of my life and the place where I met one of my closest friends - I came back to the UK in September 2005 and I have been here ever since. Being a single mid-20-something, gave me the opportunity to do what I wanted and go where I wanted. I went to see the Running of the Bulls in Spain and to Ostend, Antwerp & Bruges in Belgium. I went to New York and California, which is still to this day, one of the best holidays I have ever been on. My friend and I walking, cruising, bussing, training, tramming, cabbing and flying it around Hollywood, Las Vegas, San Francisco, San Diego and Orange County - I was in my element! Especially since the TV show 'The OC' was, like, the coolest show on TV at the time and we were there! 2006 also saw a very memorable (some might say epic) girls weekend in Amsterdam. I loved every second of it! I was finally seeing the places I had wanted to see since first venturing out of South Africa in 2000.
During all of this, I used to send through update e-mails to my family to keep them informed of what I'd been up to. Most of them will tell you that they groaned every time one landed in their inbox, because it would inevitably take about an hour to read! They are infamous in our family - but I loved sending them! I loved writing them, I loved re-living the experiences I was describing and I loved knowing that my family (if they read them!) would get a little taste of what I had been doing. And so, as technology advanced, so did I and I started a travel blog. But as I said in my opening blog entry, I wasn't very good at keeping up with them! I have started about 3 travel blogs in the past few years, from very basic ones to fancy ones which plot your travels on a map of the globe... you name it, I've tried it, but I just never kept up with them and always resorted to the good old 'update e-mail'.
When I met Dave, we spent most of our first date talking about where we'd travelled and it was a complete revelation to be sitting across from someone who had been bitten as badly by the travel bug as I had. He was far better travelled than I was at that point though, not to mention the fact that he could speak - some fluently, others not - about 13 different languages! (He's now up to about 17 at last count). Now we may not support the same rugby or cricket teams, my dad may never be able to get him into a Springbok jersey (nor him me into an England one!), we may argue about the correct pronunciation of 'yoghurt' (it's YOW-gurt) and we may have differing opinions on my footwear BUT, we both love seeing the world and everything that's in it. A little while ago I started creating photobooks of all of our trips and although I'm a little behind - okay, a LOT behind! - we have started amassing a lovely collection of memories which are out on our bookcase for our friends and family to see, rather than being stored away on a hard drive somewhere. Creating the photobooks has the same effect on me as writing the update e-mails did. I love doing them, because it reminds me that I'm finally doing what I've wanted since I first came to the UK - I'm travelling to gorgeous places with the person I most want to be seeing them with.
So in the interests of keeping up the legacy of all of those lost travel blogs, here is an archive of the trips that Dave and I have done since we met in February 2007. Any trips from now on will have the honour of having their own blog entry!
Brace yourselves... it's a long list!
Family holiday in the UK, August 2012
Winchester, Stratford-upon-Avon, Isle of Wight
South Africa, May 2012
Part 1, Part 2
Italy, December 2011
Venice
South Africa, November 2011
Part 1, Part 2
Lichtenstein & Switzerland, September 2011
Lichtenstein, Switzerland
Morocco, May 2011
Atlas Mountains, Aït Ben Haddou & Ouarzazate, Marrakech
Turkey, April 2011
Part 1, Part 2
Norway, April 2011
Stavanger
Isle of Wight, March 2011
Photos
Dorset, March 2011
Photos
Bath, February 2011
Photos
Italy, February 2011
Rome, Vatican
South Africa, December 2010
Photos, Cape Town & Winelands
Estonia, December 2010
Tallinn
USA, October 2010
New Jersey, New York, Philedelphia
Italy, September 2010
Naples, Herculaneum, Pompeii, Capri, Sorrento
Hungary, August 2010
Budapest, Danube
Ireland roadtrip, March 2010
Ring of Kerry & Dingle, Kilkenny, Cork & Blarney, Galway & Connemara, Donegal, Sligo & Mayo, Belfast & Co. Antrim, Giant's Causeway
Holland, February 2010
Amsterdam & The Hague
Honeymoon in Zanzibar, December 2009
Part 1, Part 2
Belgium, November 2009
Bruges, Ghent
USA, July 2009
New Jersey
Denmark & Sweden, May 2009
Copenhagen, Malmo
South Africa, March 2009
Photos
Germany & Switzerland, November 2008
Baden Baden, Basel, Zurich
Ireland, October 2008
Photos
South Africa, August 2008
Photos, Drakensberg, Lesotho
France & Belgium, February 2008
Brussels & Lille
South Africa December 2007/January 2008
Ushaka, Addo, Garden Route 1, Garden Route 2, Cape Town, Durban
Poland, May 2007
Krakow
I never really thought about what held me back from doing all the travelling that I wanted to do during that time. I know for sure that I felt slightly held back by people in my life who, though no fault of their own, didn't necessarily want to see the world as much as I did, but further than that, I'm not sure what happened to my usual, steadfast 'stay if you want to, but I'm going' nature. The difference for me was that I was on a visa and my time was limited - which is what, in later years, made me so resentful of the fact that I hadn't felt able to do what I wanted to do at the time. And so I returned back to SA, fully prepared for my new life in Cape Town, but also a little annoyed that I had never got to Switzerland! It was one place I had always wanted to go.
When I arrived back in the UK in March 2005, I had learnt to do things for me and didn't intend to waste any time at all. I had no travel buddy, but that didn't stop me. And so I found myself in Krakow, Poland - completely on my own, not knowing a word of Polish and not having a clue how to even ask the cabbie to take me into town! Nor, indeed, how to ask anyone once I was in town how to get a cab back to my B&B! I remember wandering around at about 10pm in a busy Krakow town square, desperately trying to find a taxi rank. I eventually went into a bookshop and stood helplessly, watching everybody in the queue happily buying their books and shouted out 'does anyone speak any English?' I still can't believe I did that and I laugh at myself every time I think about it, but it was the only thing I knew to do in that moment. Getting the cabbie to understand where my B&B was is another story completely! The following day, I was off to Auschwitz, but having learnt my lesson, I asked the receptionist at the B&B to order my cab for me and let the driver know that I wanted to go to the bus station. I remember getting into the bus station and then thinking 'here we go again! How on earth am I going to find the bus that goes to Oświęcim?' I wandered around like a lost soul for a while, not understanding a word on any of the information boards and suddenly - like in one of those cartoons where you hear harps playing and angels singing - I heard someone speaking English!! And not only that, they were asking which bus to catch to get to the same place I was headed! I could have kissed them right there and then. (I didn't though). As it happened, they were a group of backpackers who had come to Krakow separately, but met at the hostel they were staying at and all decided to take this day trip together and they were only too happy to allow one more into their fold. I've never done anything like that in my life before or since, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I had spent my first 2 1/2 year stint in the UK not travelling anywhere and I was absolutely determined not to let the fact that I didn't have anyone to travel with get me down or stop me going to where I wanted to go. After Poland, I went to Italy, where I stayed with a family friend in Venice. A friendly face! I was so ill with flu at the time, I could barely function properly, but I soldiered on and took in my first taste of Italy - an experience which I recently had the priviledge of doing all over again with Dave on our 2nd wedding anniversary. After Venice, it was off to Aberdeen in Scotland and then, eventually, off to Dublin where I was to settle for the next 6 months to live and work.
After my stint in Ireland - one of the best experiences of my life and the place where I met one of my closest friends - I came back to the UK in September 2005 and I have been here ever since. Being a single mid-20-something, gave me the opportunity to do what I wanted and go where I wanted. I went to see the Running of the Bulls in Spain and to Ostend, Antwerp & Bruges in Belgium. I went to New York and California, which is still to this day, one of the best holidays I have ever been on. My friend and I walking, cruising, bussing, training, tramming, cabbing and flying it around Hollywood, Las Vegas, San Francisco, San Diego and Orange County - I was in my element! Especially since the TV show 'The OC' was, like, the coolest show on TV at the time and we were there! 2006 also saw a very memorable (some might say epic) girls weekend in Amsterdam. I loved every second of it! I was finally seeing the places I had wanted to see since first venturing out of South Africa in 2000.
During all of this, I used to send through update e-mails to my family to keep them informed of what I'd been up to. Most of them will tell you that they groaned every time one landed in their inbox, because it would inevitably take about an hour to read! They are infamous in our family - but I loved sending them! I loved writing them, I loved re-living the experiences I was describing and I loved knowing that my family (if they read them!) would get a little taste of what I had been doing. And so, as technology advanced, so did I and I started a travel blog. But as I said in my opening blog entry, I wasn't very good at keeping up with them! I have started about 3 travel blogs in the past few years, from very basic ones to fancy ones which plot your travels on a map of the globe... you name it, I've tried it, but I just never kept up with them and always resorted to the good old 'update e-mail'.
When I met Dave, we spent most of our first date talking about where we'd travelled and it was a complete revelation to be sitting across from someone who had been bitten as badly by the travel bug as I had. He was far better travelled than I was at that point though, not to mention the fact that he could speak - some fluently, others not - about 13 different languages! (He's now up to about 17 at last count). Now we may not support the same rugby or cricket teams, my dad may never be able to get him into a Springbok jersey (nor him me into an England one!), we may argue about the correct pronunciation of 'yoghurt' (it's YOW-gurt) and we may have differing opinions on my footwear BUT, we both love seeing the world and everything that's in it. A little while ago I started creating photobooks of all of our trips and although I'm a little behind - okay, a LOT behind! - we have started amassing a lovely collection of memories which are out on our bookcase for our friends and family to see, rather than being stored away on a hard drive somewhere. Creating the photobooks has the same effect on me as writing the update e-mails did. I love doing them, because it reminds me that I'm finally doing what I've wanted since I first came to the UK - I'm travelling to gorgeous places with the person I most want to be seeing them with.
So in the interests of keeping up the legacy of all of those lost travel blogs, here is an archive of the trips that Dave and I have done since we met in February 2007. Any trips from now on will have the honour of having their own blog entry!
Brace yourselves... it's a long list!
Family holiday in the UK, August 2012
Winchester, Stratford-upon-Avon, Isle of Wight
South Africa, May 2012
Part 1, Part 2
Italy, December 2011
Venice
South Africa, November 2011
Part 1, Part 2
Lichtenstein & Switzerland, September 2011
Lichtenstein, Switzerland
Morocco, May 2011
Atlas Mountains, Aït Ben Haddou & Ouarzazate, Marrakech
Turkey, April 2011
Part 1, Part 2
Norway, April 2011
Stavanger
Isle of Wight, March 2011
Photos
Dorset, March 2011
Photos
Bath, February 2011
Photos
Italy, February 2011
Rome, Vatican
South Africa, December 2010
Photos, Cape Town & Winelands
Estonia, December 2010
Tallinn
USA, October 2010
New Jersey, New York, Philedelphia
Italy, September 2010
Naples, Herculaneum, Pompeii, Capri, Sorrento
Hungary, August 2010
Budapest, Danube
Ireland roadtrip, March 2010
Ring of Kerry & Dingle, Kilkenny, Cork & Blarney, Galway & Connemara, Donegal, Sligo & Mayo, Belfast & Co. Antrim, Giant's Causeway
Holland, February 2010
Amsterdam & The Hague
Honeymoon in Zanzibar, December 2009
Part 1, Part 2
Belgium, November 2009
Bruges, Ghent
USA, July 2009
New Jersey
Denmark & Sweden, May 2009
Copenhagen, Malmo
South Africa, March 2009
Photos
Germany & Switzerland, November 2008
Baden Baden, Basel, Zurich
Ireland, October 2008
Photos
South Africa, August 2008
Photos, Drakensberg, Lesotho
France & Belgium, February 2008
Brussels & Lille
South Africa December 2007/January 2008
Ushaka, Addo, Garden Route 1, Garden Route 2, Cape Town, Durban
Poland, May 2007
Krakow
Saturday, 6 October 2012
A morning on the canal
Dave loves his photography and has spent thousands of pounds in the last 18 months building up his kit. He had "photographer's itch" this morning and so we decided to venture out (before 1pm on a Saturday!) and go for a stroll down by the canal.
I don't profess to being as good as my hubby when it comes to photography and I was at a distinct disadvantage only having my mobile phone with me, but I don't think I did such a bad job (even though the quality isn't great!) Thanks Instagram!! ;)
I hope everyone who is reading this is having a really good day. And if you are not, just know that in every new minute that passes you have an opportunity to change that. Take it!
I don't profess to being as good as my hubby when it comes to photography and I was at a distinct disadvantage only having my mobile phone with me, but I don't think I did such a bad job (even though the quality isn't great!) Thanks Instagram!! ;)
On the canal.
The photographer hard at work!
Buds of May - what a life!
Being creative (sort of!)
The usual sight around here!
Fresh, wild blackberries
Dave eating the blackberries straight off the bush - something I just can't even stomach the thought of! What if there is a spider living inside it?? No thanks!
Ahhh, so pretty!
Gorgeous house - imagine having that as your back garden?
I hope everyone who is reading this is having a really good day. And if you are not, just know that in every new minute that passes you have an opportunity to change that. Take it!
Friday, 5 October 2012
Things I hate on the Train
* people who play music loud enough to burst the eardrums of their neighbours.
* people who play music without earphones plugged in.
* people who jump on when the doors have 2cm left to close and then get their bags caught and hold everything up.
* people who lean against the pole in the middle, not leaving any room for another person to get their fingers in to hold on.
* winter coats which haven't been drycleaned - 'nuff said. Also see 'sweaty armpits in Summer'.
* people who read their newspapers full spread and use you as their personal newspaper rack.
* people who walk and read - they deserve to be tripped up and forever have a Kindle embedded in their forehead.
* yobs/chavs/kids who you think might be speaking English, who shout at the top of their voices in a butchered alternative to the language. Examples are 'init', 'bruv', 'sick' among others.
* oversharers. Also known as talkers.
* sweaty armpits in Summer. Also see 'Winter coats that haven't been drycleaned'.
* people who sit in the middle seat of a set of 3 and proceed to huff and puff, when it is known full well that regular train seats are too small as it is. Either sit down and keep your huffs to yourself or carry on walking.
* people who don't look behind them before moving from the right (standing lane) to the left (walking lane) of the escalator.
And my personal favourite...
* people who just stop walking. Almost always in the middle of a crowded concourse or train platform.
And that is all for today. Ahhhh, that feels better!
* people who play music without earphones plugged in.
* people who jump on when the doors have 2cm left to close and then get their bags caught and hold everything up.
* people who lean against the pole in the middle, not leaving any room for another person to get their fingers in to hold on.
* winter coats which haven't been drycleaned - 'nuff said. Also see 'sweaty armpits in Summer'.
* people who read their newspapers full spread and use you as their personal newspaper rack.
* people who walk and read - they deserve to be tripped up and forever have a Kindle embedded in their forehead.
* yobs/chavs/kids who you think might be speaking English, who shout at the top of their voices in a butchered alternative to the language. Examples are 'init', 'bruv', 'sick' among others.
* oversharers. Also known as talkers.
* sweaty armpits in Summer. Also see 'Winter coats that haven't been drycleaned'.
* people who sit in the middle seat of a set of 3 and proceed to huff and puff, when it is known full well that regular train seats are too small as it is. Either sit down and keep your huffs to yourself or carry on walking.
* people who don't look behind them before moving from the right (standing lane) to the left (walking lane) of the escalator.
And my personal favourite...
* people who just stop walking. Almost always in the middle of a crowded concourse or train platform.
And that is all for today. Ahhhh, that feels better!
Thursday, 4 October 2012
It's not always a choice
I've been going back and forth about this post for a few days now, because I feel that it's important that I get it out, but I know full well that it will make some people uncomfortable. The fact that I don't have many readers makes it an easy decision.
One thing I've learnt in the past year... it is a LOT harder to make a baby than your parents led you to believe when they had 'the talk' with you as a teenager! All joking aside, I've learnt that when you see a young 30- or 40-something, happily married and without children - it is almost certainly not by choice. And another thing I've learnt is the possibility of the altered reality of what it means to have a family.
As Dave and I enter the 14th cycle of our trying to conceive journey, I know that the idealistic dream you have when you get married - that one day soon, children will follow - is not a given. In fact, it's not even remotely a guarantee. And as the post title suggests, it's not a choice either. Not for me and not for the 9 women in my immediate circle who are struggling with infertility and not for the countless millions of others. One in 7 couples is affected in some way by infertility - my own family has been touched by it before now. It's just not something that we stop to consider will happen to us. But it's not something to be ashamed of either.
I am sometimes really angry, sometimes sad, but mostly indifferent to and very pragmatic about the news that I have a condition which will make falling pregnant incredibly difficult, but hopefully - dare I say it - not impossible. I don't even like taking a paracetamol when I have a headache, so forcing fertility meds down my throat every 32 days is NOT how I envisioned this journey would pan out. But living with PCOS and infertility means taking every bit of advice you're given, researching everything you can find on the internet, trying god knows how many different types of vitamins which are supposed to have helped countless women in your situation fall pregnant, to no avail. I've tried accupuncture, herbs, vitamins, different types of food - you name it, all of us in this situation have probably tried it. But none of that can help when a medical condition stands in the way of your body just not working as it should and a sticky bean. We've joined forums, forged friendships in infertility circles, taken our temperatures every morning, taken countless ovulation tests, had enough blood tests to restock blood supplies in the country for 2 years, had ultrasound scans for which you're sent to the ward with - you guessed it - all the pregnant ladies on it. And still nothing. So you decide that you may need a little help - so what? If we are lucky enough to fall pregnant, our loved ones will remember how beautiful we looked with pregnant bellies, we will remember how awful we felt with morning sickness, swollen ankles and heartburn and you know what your baby remembers? Nothing. None of it. So does it matter in the grand scheme of things how you get your baby? My instinct says no. As long as you are absolutely the most grateful you can be when you eventually get your gift - that's what counts.
I read this article yesterday and at the end of it I thought 'well, wouldn't that be nice?'. Have a bit of relaxing Reflexology and boom! Baby. I'm exaggerating, obviously, but I guess I'm just not a believer. I tried to be, I absolutely gave into the whole alternative medicine thing and nearly bankrupted myself with weekly accupuncture sessions, but the problem with alternative medicine is that unless you feel stressed going in and don't feel stressed coming out, or have pain in your earlobe going in and don't have pain in your earlobe coming out, the simple fact of the matter is that you have absolutely no idea whether it's working or not. So if you have time to go and feel relaxed and have money to burn, then I'm all for it. But unfortunately, when you don't have an extra £200 a month lying around for alternative therapies, that idea has to fall by the wayside. By all means, give it a shot, see if it's for you - one of my really good friends is a Reflexologist and I have always supported her 110% and indeed, am really interested in her work, so this is by no means a personal attack on those who practice alternative medicine, I'm just a sceptic.
I have always vowed not to let this process get me down and the minute I felt really stressed by it, I'd pull the plug. I'm not a stressy person (though Dave may sometimes disagree), I don't tend to sweat the small stuff - as my lovely cousin once said about me. But I had a meltdown about 2 weeks ago when I entered my temperature into the fertility app on my phone and it changed my ovulation date to 2 days later than I had originally thought. Cue... meltdown. It meant that the entire cycle was a bust. I had a really angry moment in my morning shower and came out of it knowing that I didn't want to do it all anymore. I don't want the vitamins, I don't want the fertility apps or forums, I don't want to have to take my temperature every morning. I don't want any of it. I want Dave and I to have a relationship free of timetables and deadlines. And so that's what happened. The thermometer went into the drawer, my fertility app hasn't seen the light of day since that Friday 2 weeks ago and I feel surprisingly liberated. Some people only reach this point after 3 years of trying to conceive, but I made that vow to myself right at the beginning of this journey and I'm sticking to it.
So please don't tell somebody struggling on this journey to 'relax and it will happen' because another nugget of wisdom I've happened upon this year is that it just doesn't work like that. And we hate that. We hate having to put on a brave face when sucker punched in the stomach with a question about why we don't have kids. We hate constantly being asked when we're going to 'get on with it'. But most of all, speaking for me personally, I don't need sympathy.
I have had a number of people ask me 'when are you going to start a family?' That is the term we all use to indicate that we are ready to move onto the next stage of our lives... 'we're ready to start a family'. But what I've learnt in the past 14 months is that my family started the day I married - or possibly even met - Dave. My immediate and extended family started the day I was born. And if we don't get to have a little family of our own, that will be enough.
That's what I know for sure.
One thing I've learnt in the past year... it is a LOT harder to make a baby than your parents led you to believe when they had 'the talk' with you as a teenager! All joking aside, I've learnt that when you see a young 30- or 40-something, happily married and without children - it is almost certainly not by choice. And another thing I've learnt is the possibility of the altered reality of what it means to have a family.
As Dave and I enter the 14th cycle of our trying to conceive journey, I know that the idealistic dream you have when you get married - that one day soon, children will follow - is not a given. In fact, it's not even remotely a guarantee. And as the post title suggests, it's not a choice either. Not for me and not for the 9 women in my immediate circle who are struggling with infertility and not for the countless millions of others. One in 7 couples is affected in some way by infertility - my own family has been touched by it before now. It's just not something that we stop to consider will happen to us. But it's not something to be ashamed of either.
I am sometimes really angry, sometimes sad, but mostly indifferent to and very pragmatic about the news that I have a condition which will make falling pregnant incredibly difficult, but hopefully - dare I say it - not impossible. I don't even like taking a paracetamol when I have a headache, so forcing fertility meds down my throat every 32 days is NOT how I envisioned this journey would pan out. But living with PCOS and infertility means taking every bit of advice you're given, researching everything you can find on the internet, trying god knows how many different types of vitamins which are supposed to have helped countless women in your situation fall pregnant, to no avail. I've tried accupuncture, herbs, vitamins, different types of food - you name it, all of us in this situation have probably tried it. But none of that can help when a medical condition stands in the way of your body just not working as it should and a sticky bean. We've joined forums, forged friendships in infertility circles, taken our temperatures every morning, taken countless ovulation tests, had enough blood tests to restock blood supplies in the country for 2 years, had ultrasound scans for which you're sent to the ward with - you guessed it - all the pregnant ladies on it. And still nothing. So you decide that you may need a little help - so what? If we are lucky enough to fall pregnant, our loved ones will remember how beautiful we looked with pregnant bellies, we will remember how awful we felt with morning sickness, swollen ankles and heartburn and you know what your baby remembers? Nothing. None of it. So does it matter in the grand scheme of things how you get your baby? My instinct says no. As long as you are absolutely the most grateful you can be when you eventually get your gift - that's what counts.
I read this article yesterday and at the end of it I thought 'well, wouldn't that be nice?'. Have a bit of relaxing Reflexology and boom! Baby. I'm exaggerating, obviously, but I guess I'm just not a believer. I tried to be, I absolutely gave into the whole alternative medicine thing and nearly bankrupted myself with weekly accupuncture sessions, but the problem with alternative medicine is that unless you feel stressed going in and don't feel stressed coming out, or have pain in your earlobe going in and don't have pain in your earlobe coming out, the simple fact of the matter is that you have absolutely no idea whether it's working or not. So if you have time to go and feel relaxed and have money to burn, then I'm all for it. But unfortunately, when you don't have an extra £200 a month lying around for alternative therapies, that idea has to fall by the wayside. By all means, give it a shot, see if it's for you - one of my really good friends is a Reflexologist and I have always supported her 110% and indeed, am really interested in her work, so this is by no means a personal attack on those who practice alternative medicine, I'm just a sceptic.
I have always vowed not to let this process get me down and the minute I felt really stressed by it, I'd pull the plug. I'm not a stressy person (though Dave may sometimes disagree), I don't tend to sweat the small stuff - as my lovely cousin once said about me. But I had a meltdown about 2 weeks ago when I entered my temperature into the fertility app on my phone and it changed my ovulation date to 2 days later than I had originally thought. Cue... meltdown. It meant that the entire cycle was a bust. I had a really angry moment in my morning shower and came out of it knowing that I didn't want to do it all anymore. I don't want the vitamins, I don't want the fertility apps or forums, I don't want to have to take my temperature every morning. I don't want any of it. I want Dave and I to have a relationship free of timetables and deadlines. And so that's what happened. The thermometer went into the drawer, my fertility app hasn't seen the light of day since that Friday 2 weeks ago and I feel surprisingly liberated. Some people only reach this point after 3 years of trying to conceive, but I made that vow to myself right at the beginning of this journey and I'm sticking to it.
So please don't tell somebody struggling on this journey to 'relax and it will happen' because another nugget of wisdom I've happened upon this year is that it just doesn't work like that. And we hate that. We hate having to put on a brave face when sucker punched in the stomach with a question about why we don't have kids. We hate constantly being asked when we're going to 'get on with it'. But most of all, speaking for me personally, I don't need sympathy.
I have had a number of people ask me 'when are you going to start a family?' That is the term we all use to indicate that we are ready to move onto the next stage of our lives... 'we're ready to start a family'. But what I've learnt in the past 14 months is that my family started the day I married - or possibly even met - Dave. My immediate and extended family started the day I was born. And if we don't get to have a little family of our own, that will be enough.
That's what I know for sure.
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Quote of the day
"If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it".
Which follows along the lines of my own personal lifelong mantra...
"You can do anything. You just have to learn how".
Monday, 1 October 2012
Where to next?
I initially wrote this post on Saturday, but it somehow got deleted, so I'm attempting to write it again!
I've recently been deep in a process of soul searching about what I want to do with my life. Since Dave and I moved to the country, we have absolutely fallen in love with the quality of life we now have and we love that we aren't near any large cities. We are closer to his work, which means that his drive to work is bearable now and although it means that my commute has lengthened, it hasn't really bothered me that much until recently. It was announced about 2 months ago that the average train fare will increase by 11% this coming year. My public service salary went up by 1% this year and some people are in the unfortunate position of not having had an increase at all since the economic downturn. A 1% increase in salary vs an 11% increase in train fares... well, it's not hard to do the maths and work out that it just doesn't equate.
I have a sign right next to my bed that says 'Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life'. And therein lies my dilemma. I have been feeling lately that I am simply working in order to survive. And by survive, I mean that my salary is going solely towards paying bills. It is a constant source of upset for me that I can't contribute more to the household. I always feel that I am exploiting Dave's earnings, since every single penny of our disposable income comes from his salary. This is why we have not yet been able to begin saving towards a deposit on a home. At times when we need extra funds for anything, I can't contribute. It's a spiral that I think many young people find themselves in, I know, especially with deposits on houses not being in the £15k range anymore. It just seems too large a hurdle to jump over to save upwards of £50k, so you find yourself not even starting.
And don't get me wrong, we do okay and we choose to use the money we do have in other ways - we have travelled all over Europe, waking up on our anniversary last year in Venice! We are lucky enough to be able to afford to go to South Africa once a year, often taking friends and family with us. We had a gorgeous honeymoon in Zanzibar. I try and visit my family in the States when I can. All the money spent on these trips COULD be going towards a deposit - this is true. But we're a young couple of 30-somethings who have to make a choice - save a little or live a lot. We've chosen the latter, while we can afford it.
Our company has recently gone through an intense period of savings initiatives and I am incredibly grateful not to have been a casualty of that process. I really have nothing to complain about. But... there's always a 'but'. My 'but' is that it takes me 4 hours a day to travel to and from a job that would pay an okay salary if it weren't for the fact that nearly £5k of it goes to the train company which carries me to and from said job. That's 4 hours a day that I don't get to spend with my husband. That's £5k that I can't contribute to our household earnings. I recently applied for an internal position which would have been based at an office 40 minutes from home and 10 minutes from Dave's work. I prepared more than I've ever prepared for an interview in my life before and I gave the interview of my life.... but I found out on Friday that it's a no. I was gutted.
For about 7 years now I've had an idea for my own business. I have never got much further than having a brainload of ideas, because there is one thing standing in my way - money. To start a business, you need funding and I don't have any. It is ridiculous that something so insignificant in the grand scheme of things can stand between someone and their decade-long dreams, but it is a reality and one that pushes me back every time I feel as if I am ready to explore my ideas.
A friend and I have recently been talking about joining forces to start our own business, which has again ignited this desire I have, to do what I want to do. But it has also again thrown up the same hurdles as before, namely funding. But the more I think about it, the more I want to explore this opportunity. Yes, there's a possibility of failure, but as Bill Cosby said, in order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. Is it yet? I'm not sure, but I'm excited to see if I have the courage to push on through and see what lies over that hurdle.
I've recently been deep in a process of soul searching about what I want to do with my life. Since Dave and I moved to the country, we have absolutely fallen in love with the quality of life we now have and we love that we aren't near any large cities. We are closer to his work, which means that his drive to work is bearable now and although it means that my commute has lengthened, it hasn't really bothered me that much until recently. It was announced about 2 months ago that the average train fare will increase by 11% this coming year. My public service salary went up by 1% this year and some people are in the unfortunate position of not having had an increase at all since the economic downturn. A 1% increase in salary vs an 11% increase in train fares... well, it's not hard to do the maths and work out that it just doesn't equate.
I have a sign right next to my bed that says 'Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life'. And therein lies my dilemma. I have been feeling lately that I am simply working in order to survive. And by survive, I mean that my salary is going solely towards paying bills. It is a constant source of upset for me that I can't contribute more to the household. I always feel that I am exploiting Dave's earnings, since every single penny of our disposable income comes from his salary. This is why we have not yet been able to begin saving towards a deposit on a home. At times when we need extra funds for anything, I can't contribute. It's a spiral that I think many young people find themselves in, I know, especially with deposits on houses not being in the £15k range anymore. It just seems too large a hurdle to jump over to save upwards of £50k, so you find yourself not even starting.
And don't get me wrong, we do okay and we choose to use the money we do have in other ways - we have travelled all over Europe, waking up on our anniversary last year in Venice! We are lucky enough to be able to afford to go to South Africa once a year, often taking friends and family with us. We had a gorgeous honeymoon in Zanzibar. I try and visit my family in the States when I can. All the money spent on these trips COULD be going towards a deposit - this is true. But we're a young couple of 30-somethings who have to make a choice - save a little or live a lot. We've chosen the latter, while we can afford it.
Our company has recently gone through an intense period of savings initiatives and I am incredibly grateful not to have been a casualty of that process. I really have nothing to complain about. But... there's always a 'but'. My 'but' is that it takes me 4 hours a day to travel to and from a job that would pay an okay salary if it weren't for the fact that nearly £5k of it goes to the train company which carries me to and from said job. That's 4 hours a day that I don't get to spend with my husband. That's £5k that I can't contribute to our household earnings. I recently applied for an internal position which would have been based at an office 40 minutes from home and 10 minutes from Dave's work. I prepared more than I've ever prepared for an interview in my life before and I gave the interview of my life.... but I found out on Friday that it's a no. I was gutted.
For about 7 years now I've had an idea for my own business. I have never got much further than having a brainload of ideas, because there is one thing standing in my way - money. To start a business, you need funding and I don't have any. It is ridiculous that something so insignificant in the grand scheme of things can stand between someone and their decade-long dreams, but it is a reality and one that pushes me back every time I feel as if I am ready to explore my ideas.
A friend and I have recently been talking about joining forces to start our own business, which has again ignited this desire I have, to do what I want to do. But it has also again thrown up the same hurdles as before, namely funding. But the more I think about it, the more I want to explore this opportunity. Yes, there's a possibility of failure, but as Bill Cosby said, in order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. Is it yet? I'm not sure, but I'm excited to see if I have the courage to push on through and see what lies over that hurdle.
Friday, 28 September 2012
P!nk ROCKS!
Ecstatic doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now!! Dave just bought me an early birthday present - tickets to see P!nk in concert at the O2 in April next year! I'm doing a major happy dance at my desk.... can't wait! :)
Only wish I could somehow get my sister over to come with us, she's dying to see her!
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