The proverbial straw

Last night, I was sat happily on my train, on my way home to my husband on what was our 3rd wedding anniversary - 12.12.12, how cool is that?  I was looking forward to a lovely celebratory dinner with him, a chilled evening eating really good food.  About 5 minutes before I got to the station, I received a text message which upset me so much that by the time we pulled into the station, my face was all blotchy, I was puffy-eyed and on the verge of bursting into tears again.

What could someone have possibly written in a text message to send me over the edge like that?  Well, not much, as it turns out.  And my reaction was in no way, shape or form, directed at the person who sent me the message.  The intention of the message was to clarify social plans, which would now include a baby.  Not exactly something to cry over, right?  Which proves that I was closer to the edge than I realised I was and my reaction really surprised me.  It was completely irrational and I knew that.  I was very well aware of the fact that I was sobbing away about something I could do nothing about.  I was still bursting into tears at regular intervals during the 5 minute drive to the restaurant for dinner.  Oh... and at the bar.  And at the table.  Dave was getting predictably embarrassed and even though I knew I needed to stop, I couldn't.  The floodgates had opened and I just needed to get it out... whatever 'it' was... I still had no idea myself!  I was trying my hardest to explain to Dave that it was just simply something that he could never fully understand and the more I tried to tell him that, the more I cried!

Since last night, I have spoken to a handful of friends about my reaction, most of whom are currently dealing with infertility themselves (something that I cautiously discussed in a previous post) and it was at that point that I realised that my reaction was incredibly normal for someone who is having to endure any form of infertility.  It sucks, it's not easy and although 99% of the time is spent going about your normal life, without it affecting you at all, all it takes is a pregnancy announcement on Facebook, or a picture of a foetal scan or indeed, a simple text message, to make that seemingly false bravado fall away and say 'That's it, I'm having a time out'.

On my forums, I used to read accounts from women who couldn't stand to be in the same room as a baby, who complained about the fact that everyone in their circle was falling pregnant except them, or cried at every Facebook baby announcement.  I read these with a low level of sympathy, but I couldn't relate.  I just couldn't understand why these women got angry with their loved ones and their friends, simply because they were falling pregnant or having a baby.  After all, it's not as if they were doing it to spite them.  I just didn't get it.  And in the midst of my overreaction last night, my mind floated back to thoughts of these women and the irony didn't elude me.  I knew that I was reacting exactly as these women had, the difference is that I - for the second time on this journey - made a vow to myself right then and there.  That I won't ever let myself react like that again. 

Along the way, I've realised that you can be stressed about something and not even realise it.  I have gone through my entire life believing that I'm not a naturally stressy person and that I don't tend to let things get to me.  And that may still be true to a certain extent.  The irony is that whether or not we have a good reason for being stressed, our bodies react to stress in exactly the same way.  Our bodies don't care if we're right or wrong.  Even at times when we feel perfectly justified in getting angry - when we tell ourselves it's the healthy response - the body's response is the same.  Stress doesn't allow you to pick and choose which situations will push you too far, you just have to be ready to deal with the fallout when it happens (maybe the Scouts make a really valid point with their motto).

Does that justify my reaction to a simple text message?  I'm not sure, but it certainly explains the possible reason for it.

So while I have not turned into someone who feels the need to block every pregnant friend, new mother friend - even more experienced mom friends - on the plethora of social networking sites out there, I now can sympathise a whole lot more with those who feel they need to.  To each their own, after all.  Again, it doesn't mean that I agree with it, but I empathise with their reasons for feeling the way they do.  I understand their occasional need to scream at the top of their lungs that life isn't fair.  I just hope they can eventually come to focus on the positives and be happy for friends who are in the position they so want to be in themselves.  Because after all, we all want the same thing if - and hopefully when - it happens to us.

Be positive.  No-one ever said it was easy, but slapping a smile on and lifting your chin a few degrees helps make the outlook seem a whole lot brighter.