Where to next?

I initially wrote this post on Saturday, but it somehow got deleted, so I'm attempting to write it again!

I've recently been deep in a process of soul searching about what I want to do with my life.  Since Dave and I moved to the country, we have absolutely fallen in love with the quality of life we now have and we love that we aren't near any large cities.  We are closer to his work, which means that his drive to work is bearable now and although it means that my commute has lengthened, it hasn't really bothered me that much until recently.  It was announced about 2 months ago that the average train fare will increase by 11% this coming year.  My public service salary went up by 1% this year and some people are in the unfortunate position of not having had an increase at all since the economic downturn.  A 1% increase in salary vs an 11% increase in train fares... well, it's not hard to do the maths and work out that it just doesn't equate.

I have a sign right next to my bed that says 'Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life'.  And therein lies my dilemma.  I have been feeling lately that I am simply working in order to survive.  And by survive, I mean that my salary is going solely towards paying bills.  It is a constant source of upset for me that I can't contribute more to the household.  I always feel that I am exploiting Dave's earnings, since every single penny of our disposable income comes from his salary.  This is why we have not yet been able to begin saving towards a deposit on a home.  At times when we need extra funds for anything, I can't contribute.  It's a spiral that I think many young people find themselves in, I know, especially with deposits on houses not being in the £15k range anymore.  It just seems too large a hurdle to jump over to save upwards of £50k, so you find yourself not even starting.

And don't get me wrong, we do okay and we choose to use the money we do have in other ways - we have travelled all over Europe, waking up on our anniversary last year in Venice!  We are lucky enough to be able to afford to go to South Africa once a year, often taking friends and family with us.  We had a gorgeous honeymoon in Zanzibar.  I try and visit my family in the States when I can.  All the money spent on these trips COULD be going towards a deposit - this is true.  But we're a young couple of 30-somethings who have to make a choice - save a little or live a lot.  We've chosen the latter, while we can afford it.

Our company has recently gone through an intense period of savings initiatives and I am incredibly grateful not to have been a casualty of that process.  I really have nothing to complain about.  But... there's always a 'but'.  My 'but' is that it takes me 4 hours a day to travel to and from a job that would pay an okay salary if it weren't for the fact that nearly £5k of it goes to the train company which carries me to and from said job.  That's 4 hours a day that I don't get to spend with my husband.  That's £5k that I can't contribute to our household earnings.  I recently applied for an internal position which would have been based at an office 40 minutes from home and 10 minutes from Dave's work.  I prepared more than I've ever prepared for an interview in my life before and I gave the interview of my life.... but I found out on Friday that it's a no.  I was gutted.

For about 7 years now I've had an idea for my own business.  I have never got much further than having a brainload of ideas, because there is one thing standing in my way - money.  To start a business, you need funding and I don't have any.  It is ridiculous that something so insignificant in the grand scheme of things can stand between someone and their decade-long dreams, but it is a reality and one that pushes me back every time I feel as if I am ready to explore my ideas.

A friend and I have recently been talking about joining forces to start our own business, which has again ignited this desire I have, to do what I want to do.  But it has also again thrown up the same hurdles as before, namely funding.  But the more I think about it, the more I want to explore this opportunity.  Yes, there's a possibility of failure, but as Bill Cosby said, in order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.  Is it yet?  I'm not sure, but I'm excited to see if I have the courage to push on through and see what lies over that hurdle.